Tim Murray: The Department of Grovelling Apologies
Announcing the formation of D.O.G.A.
The Department of Grovelling Apologies
Navigating through a labyrinth of government agencies, departments and ministries to locate the appropriate service provider or information source can be exhausting and time-consuming to say the least. To remedy this problem, governments at both the federal and provincial level have established central directories which efficiently steer citizens to the department that would best be able address their questions. “Inquiry BC”, “Service BC” and “Service Canada” are examples that come to mind.
These centres are one-stop points of contact for hundreds of services provided on behalf of government ministries, agencies, Crown corporations, various levels of government and private sector organizations. They provide toll-free access to basic Government information over the telephone to millions of callers.
Sadly, however, no contact centre has been available to capture the growing number of callers who are summarily accused, tried and convicted by the MSM and social media for making off-hand comments that are judged to be hateful, insensitive, racist, sexist, homophobic or ‘Islamophobic’ . These callers are desperate to make immediate amends by contacting the identity group they have offended. In such cases, timing is decisive. A tardy apology can be a career-ending mistake with devastating social repercussions. Finding the right contact quickly can be the difference between damage control and damage out-of-control.
With this in mind, the Government is pleased to announce the formation of a new service—the Department of Grovelling Apologies (D.O.G. A.) which allow thought criminals to confess and recant instantly and quickly demonstrate their sincere contrition to the appropriate representatives of the CA (Constantly Aggrieved) community before the public crucifixion gets fully untracked.
D.O.G. A. can be reached by calling 1-884-8458 (1-88GUILT) or by email firstname.lastname@example.org
Politicians who are called upon to apologize for past wrongs committed by Canadians of European origin seven or more decades ago can fast-track their ethnic-ass-kissing inquiries by phoning 1-782-2377 (1-SUCCESS)
Like any self-serving government bureaucracy, D.O.G.A. must be able to justify its existence by proving that a substantial number of citizens avail themselves of its service. So using the East German model, D. O. G.A. will work in conjunction with various “Hate Lines” and “Snitch Lines” which allow informers to report thought crimes and expose those who commit them. These emergency-response services fall under the auspices of The Committee for Public Safety, which is charged with the maintenance of “safe zones” on university campuses so that students can be protected from politically incorrect speech.
To better serve its clients, D.O.G.A. also offers computer-generated apology letters customized to mollify specific grievance groups. These letter s can be downloaded online from its website at www.westernselfloathing.ca Alternatively, D.O.G.A. provides generic “form” letters that only need slight revisions to “personalize” the message and give recipients the false impression that you have made a special effort to apologize to them expressly. These pre-fabricated apologies begin with sentences like:
“ Please accept my deep apology for making that sexist remark on Twitter” …or
“Please accept my deep apology for making the racist comments that were secretly and illegally recorded in the privacy of my home and used without compunction or reservation by the media”…or
“Please accept my deep apology for being a privileged white male of European descent”…. or
“Please understand that as a man I now accept that merely by virtue of my gender I am responsible for the rape culture that you believe prevails on campus.” …or
“I am profoundly sorry for what you said my ancestors did to your ancestors a century ago”
D.O.G.A. also offers clients another option, based on the concept of a mortgage “down payment”. As homebuyers are made to understand, an upfront down payment reduces long-term costs. Applying the same principle, D.O.G.A. offers “Pre-Emptive Apology Letters” which can be sent to a wide range of identity/grievance groups and ethno-cultural organizations before you make that ill-considered, spontaneous, off-the-cuff, politically incorrect remark or joke when your guard is down. In other words, you r apology will be “in the bank” so that offended lobbies can quickly access them when the occasion arises, and your thought-crime can be instantly erased before it triggers an avalanche of censure and outrage.
In forming the Department of Grovelling Apologies, the Government has shown that it is fully cognizant of the need for “Reconciliation” in this increasingly multi-ethnic society. In the interests of social harmony, the formally dominant Privileged White Male Euro-Canadian Class must forfeit any pretence of dignity or expectation of respect by constantly confessing its sins and eschewing any right to self-preservation. So do yourself and the community a favour. Get down on your knees and beg for forgiveness now.
Tim Murray, Press Officer, Ministry of Truth